*Good, here, meaning stays on the road more often than not, inoffensive unless provoked (or singing) and certainly never ever guilty of taking funny photos at inappropriate and unsafe moments.
Some of the things which befall me (and, it is my eternal hope, others too) when I take my bimblings to the highways of Britain:
- Every Spring, without fail, you celebrate the first warm day of the year by rolling your window down – which you then promptly forget about around the time you roll to a stop at the traffic lights in a crowded town centre and wile away the time singing loudly along to the radio/ commenting on how badly dressed/ fat the pedestrians are.
- You’re driving along, a car approaches in the opposite direction, but between you there is a vehicle parked half-on, half-off the pavement. No matter how much you try to brake or accelerate you both end up reaching the parked vehicle at exactly the same moment and have to do an awkward, three car squeeze-by while driving to avoid one another’s gaze.
- When driving with a small child/baby in the car it is unacceptable for any other drivers to beep at you for any hesitations or accidental gear changes/sudden brakings. However, if they do, it is perfectly reasonable for you to reply “I’VE GOT A GODDAMN BABY IN THE CAR, SHOW SOME F*CKING RESPECT!” with the appropriate accompanying hand gestures.
- When in Devon, motorists must leave extra early due to the increased risk that at some stage of the journey the road will be rendered impassable due to livestock/ geese/ pillocks from the city.
- There are days when you simply forget that green means go.
- No driving scenario is more awkward than a three-way mini roundabout. Who goes first? Is he going to go? Shall I go? Oh god now we’ve all started forward and braked sharply. F*ck it, I’m just going to go – maybe if I go REALLY FAST it will be like I was never here and this never happened.
- On that note, when did it become ok for drivers to stop F*CKING INDICATING at roundabouts?
- If you make a mistake, ie, misjudge the exit someone is going for at a roundabout (probably because they didn’t F*CKING INDICATE) and cut them up, it becomes absolutely necessary to speed as fast away from the scene of the misdemeanour as possible.
- If, when driving alone, you think of a brilliantly witty comeback/joke/saying, it is perfectly acceptable to then say whatever it is out loud, just in case someone has hidden a microphone somewhere in your car and is listening to everything you say.
- The rear-view baby mirror probably makes me a worse driver, but it’s worth it to watch some of the appalled faces she pulls when I sing.
- I have it on good authority that until your child is old enough to ask what a Rude Boy is, it’s perfectly acceptable to sing along to Rihanna while they’re in the car.
- You try to be nice and let the person at the junction turn into the road in front of you, but they JUST AREN’T GETTING IT so you end up speeding away in frustration, while they just gaze at you in bewilderment.
- Alternatively, that nice person who has right of way flashes at you to go in front of them, but you find yourself in the wrong gear/ surging forward too eagerly and rolling to an embarrassing stall halfway across the carriageway.
- Set your Sat Nav voice to American and then approach a roundabout.
- Woe betide the London driver who hesitates for a nanosecond after the traffic lights go green.