Monthly Archives: August 2014

Probably Entirely Too Much Information…

The Mummy Tag –  a little Q&A perfectly tailored to the non-working and usually rather bored/full-of-endless-information-about-their-child’s-loves-hates-and-bowel-functions mother. I first discovered it on this rather brilliant blog, to which I’m somewhat loathe to post a link as it is far funnier than mine.

  1. Are you a stay at home mother or a working mother?

Stay at home, with the hopeful aspiration of becoming self-employed in the near future. This will probably mean that I spend my hard-won free moments desperately cold calling people who’re at work and barking down the phone “Hi-I’m-a-journalist-please-talk-to-me-about-the-collapse-of-your-business-no-that’s-not-a-baby-you-can-hear-it’s-my-cat-she’s-very-ill”… Meanwhile my garden succumbs to wilderness (for the dirty-minded, this also works as a euphemism) nobody gets birthday cards and I have so little time to write this blog I start posting self-indulgent Q&As whereupon, upon answering question one, I instantly ramble off on a totally innocuous tangent as my reader’s will to live slowly begins to leak out of their ears.

  1. Would you have it any other way?

I feel like this question is worded to coerce a gush of ‘No, I adore every second with my precious little munchkin, she shits diamonds.’ Honestly, though, I wouldn’t really. I have time to write and I’m bringing up my daughter myself, which is all I’ve ever really wanted. I kind of wish she did shit diamonds, though.

  1. Do you co-sleep?

No. I bring Lara into bed with us for her breastfeed first thing in the morning, but she gets put back in her cot as soon as she starts trying to claw at my face. I’ve only spent one entire night with her in our bed, when we all had colds. I don’t recommend it – snuffling baby on one side and feverish other half, burning with the heat of a thousand menopausal women, on the other did not make for a restful night.

  1. What is your one must-have item for your baby?

Probably the video monitor. It’s excellent for letting you know whether your child is just having a moan, or whether she has propped all her toys into a pyramid in the corner of the cot, pulled herself up onto them and is teetering over the railings in imminent danger of knocking herself out.

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  1. How many kids do you plan on having?

I’ve always wanted four, Gary wants two, so we’ve decided to compromise on four.

  1. Date night – how many nights a month?

We’ve only gone out once together without the baby since she was born, but since this did not incur any apocalyptic happenings, we have resolved to go out together at least twice a month or so in the future.

  1. Your child’s favourite show?

Dance Moms. Seriously, she can’t get enough of it. It’s not for me at all.

  1. Name one thing you bought before your baby and never ended up using?

A BabaSling. I could never get her in the damn thing, she’d always end up looking like an unhappy caterpillar, so we ended up selling our souls to the devil and buying a BabyBjorn.

  1. What is your child’s favourite food?

Toast, and anything remotely sweet. Give her jam on toast and she practically vibrates.

10. How many cars does your family have?

Two

11. Weight gain during pregnancy, before, after and now?

I put on about 2 stone during pregnancy (I stopped weighing when I had to start bending backwards to see the scales). I lost all but about 10lbs in the first 3 months or so, then the rest came off after Christmas. Now I’m about half a stone lighter than I was pre-pregnancy thanks to my unfortunate proclivity for e-coli.

12. Dream holiday with your kids?

A fun activity holiday – Center Parcs, Club Med, Disney Land, etc. Of course we may have to win the lottery first.

13. Dream holiday without your kids?

New York (probably would have to be without Gary too as cities make his brain cry) Melbourne, New Zealand, The Maldives, Las Vegas, Cape Town…

14. How has your life changed since your baby was born?

Let’s see – instead of driving to work everyday and writing about the home improvement industry, I chase an incontinent 10-month-old around the house, feed her, wash her , change her and generally maintain responsibility for her survival. Bit of a silly question really.

15. Finish the sentence: “It makes my heart melt to see…”

Lara, on the video monitor, turn and cuddle her giraffe in her sleep. Partly because it is cute but mainly because she is asleep.

16. Where do you shop for your kids?

Sainsburys, Next, Tesco, H&M, M&S, Mothercare, Amazon and of course the Bank of Doting Grandmothers

17. Favourite make-up and skincare products?

Not quite sure what this has to do with parenting, but I like MAC and Benefit eye shadow and mascara, BB foundation and under-eye concealer. Ah, there it is.

18. Huggies or Pampers?

Ooh, yes please. We usually just get supermarket own-brands. I do like the wetness indicators on Pampers.

19. Have you always wanted kids?

Yes, more than anything. My mum’s even got a photograph of me, aged two, ‘breastfeeding’ one of my dollies.

20. Best part about being a mum?

The days when I’m just so freaking awesome I steal breath.

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When Bad Things Happen to Good* Drivers

*Good, here, meaning stays on the road more often than not, inoffensive unless provoked (or singing) and certainly never ever guilty of taking funny photos at inappropriate and unsafe moments.

Some of the things which befall me (and, it is my eternal hope, others too) when I take my bimblings to the highways of Britain:

  1. Every Spring, without fail, you celebrate the first warm day of the year by rolling your window down – which you then promptly forget about around the time you roll to a stop at the traffic lights in a crowded town centre and wile away the time singing loudly along to the radio/ commenting on how badly dressed/ fat the pedestrians are.
  2. You’re driving along, a car approaches in the opposite direction, but between you there is a vehicle parked half-on, half-off the pavement. No matter how much you try to brake or accelerate you both end up reaching the parked vehicle at exactly the same moment and have to do an awkward, three car squeeze-by while driving to avoid one another’s gaze.
  3. When driving with a small child/baby in the car it is unacceptable for any other drivers to beep at you for any hesitations or accidental gear changes/sudden brakings. However, if they do, it is perfectly reasonable for you to reply “I’VE GOT A GODDAMN BABY IN THE CAR, SHOW SOME F*CKING RESPECT!” with the appropriate accompanying hand gestures.
  4. When in Devon, motorists must leave extra early due to the increased risk that at some stage of the journey the road will be rendered impassable due to livestock/ geese/ pillocks from the city.
  5. There are days when you simply forget that green means go.
  6. No driving scenario is more awkward than a three-way mini roundabout. Who goes first? Is he going to go? Shall I go? Oh god now we’ve all started forward and braked sharply. F*ck it, I’m just going to go – maybe if I go REALLY FAST it will be like I was never here and this never happened.
  7. On that note, when did it become ok for drivers to stop F*CKING INDICATING at roundabouts?
  8. If you make a mistake, ie, misjudge the exit someone is going for at a roundabout (probably because they didn’t F*CKING INDICATE) and cut them up, it becomes absolutely necessary to speed as fast away from the scene of the misdemeanour as possible.
  9. If, when driving alone, you think of a brilliantly witty comeback/joke/saying, it is perfectly acceptable to then say whatever it is out loud, just in case someone has hidden a microphone somewhere in your car and is listening to everything you say.
  10. The rear-view baby mirror probably makes me a worse driver, but it’s worth it to watch some of the appalled faces she pulls when I sing.driving 2
  11. I have it on good authority that until your child is old enough to ask what a Rude Boy is, it’s perfectly acceptable to sing along to Rihanna while they’re in the car.
  12. You try to be nice and let the person at the junction turn into the road in front of you, but they JUST AREN’T GETTING IT so you end up speeding away in frustration, while they just gaze at you in bewilderment.
  13. Alternatively, that nice person who has right of way flashes at you to go in front of them, but you find yourself in the wrong gear/ surging forward too eagerly and rolling to an embarrassing stall halfway across the carriageway.
  14. Set your Sat Nav voice to American and then approach a roundabout.
  15. Woe betide the London driver who hesitates for a nanosecond after the traffic lights go green.

 

 

 


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