Setting: Generic supermarket. Harrassed-looking me navigates shopping trolley (always filled with just enough items to make it slightly unwieldy) replete with Baby 1 in the front seat. Strange person (usually a middle-aged woman but very occasionally a man – in which case just replace all ‘she’ pronouns referring to Baby 1 with ‘he’) randomly approaches.

Person Randomly Approaching Trolley: “Oooh, hello sweetheart! Aren’t you gorgeous? Hello! Helloooo!”

BABY 1: “…”

P.R.A.T.: “What’s your name then, Snookums?”

[LONG PAUSE. BABY 1 STARES BLANKLY AT P.R.A.T. AS A LOOK OF SLOW COMPREHENSION DAWNS ON MY FACE]

ME: “Oh. Er, Baby 1*.”

P.R.A.T.: “What a lovely name you’ve got, Baby 1! Are you going to give me a smile?”

[BABY 1 BARES HER TEETH IN A SOMEWHAT MENACING FASHION]

P.R.A.T.: “What a beautiful smile! Look at all those teethy pegs! How old are you, Baby 1?”

ME: “Nearly ten months…”

P.R.A.T.: “Ten months! She’s a big girl, isn’t she?”

ME: “Um… Not really?”

[LONG PAUSE, DURING WHICH P.R.A.T. STARES INTENSELY AT MY FACE, WHICH BEGINS TO TAKE ON A LOOK OF INCREASING ALARM]

P.R.A.T.: “Just seeing if she looks like you. She doesn’t at all, does she.”

ME: “Oh. Er… maybe a little? But no, she does look more like her dad I guess…”

P.R.A.T. [SWIFTLY TURNS ATTENTION BACK TO BABY 1]: “Well I better get off – bye bye now! Can you say bye bye?”

ME: “Say bye bye Baby 1!”

[BABY 1 STARES AT ME. I BEGIN WAVING MANIACALLY IN HER FACE]

ME: “Wave bye bye, Baby 1!”

[P.R.A.T. ALSO BEGINS WAVING IN BABY 1’S FACE. BABY 1 BARES HER TEETH AGAIN]

BABY 1: “DUH! Duh Duh Duh, DUH!”

P.R.A.T.: “Ahhh! I think she likes me, don’t you sweetheart?”

[BABY 1 BEGINS TO GROWL AND TURN RED]

ME: “Right! Off we go!”

 

And here’s that scene once again, with added thought voices for me and Baby 1.

ME: Come on then, let’s get this done before it gets too close to naptime and you start getting grouchy. Just dodge this OAP, and this other one and oh Christ here she comes…

Person Randomly Approaching Trolley: “Oooh, hello sweetheart! Aren’t you gorgeous? Hello! Helloooo!”

BABY 1: “…Who the bloody hell are you?…”

P.R.A.T.: “What’s your name then, Snookums?”

BABY 1: Snookums?

ME: Well obviously she’s not going to answer you, can’t you see she’s like ten months old?

BABY 1: Snookums?

[PAUSE]

BABY 1: FOR GOD’S SAKE MOTHER WILL YOU WAKE UP AND TELL HER MY NAME’S NOT SNOOKUMS!

ME: Oh, you’re looking at me now. OH, I’m supposed to answer. Gotcha. “Oh. Er, she’s Baby 1.”

P.R.A.T.: “What a lovely name you’ve got, Baby 1! Are you going to give me a smile?”

BABY 1: Really. After Snookums? REALLY?

ME: Come on, smile. Just smile at the old dear and maybe she’ll leave us alone

P.R.A.T.: “What a beautiful smile! Look at all those teethy pegs! How old are you, Baby 1?”

BABY 1: Actually, I was doing Hannibal Lecter. I’ll eat your liver with a nice Chianti

ME: “Nearly ten months…” Getting used to this talking-to-someone-who-is-talking-to-someone-else-but-expecting-me-to-answer now. Feel a bit like a horse whisperer or Dr Dolittle.

P.R.A.T.: “Ten months! She’s a big girl, isn’t she?”

BABY 1: I BEG YOUR PARDON?

ME: “Um… Not really?”

[PAUSE]

ME: Ok this is getting a bit weird. She’s gone from not looking at me at all to staring with the intensity of very unBritish owl. She’s actually squinting a bit. I really hope she’s not having a stroke.

P.R.A.T.: “Just seeing if she looks like you. She doesn’t at all, does she.”

ME: “Oh. Er… maybe a little? But no, she does look more like her dad I guess…”

Sigh. I know it is perfectly true that my child does not look a whole lot like me but it still annoys me a tiny bit when a stranger points this out because it feels, just a tiny bit, as if they are negating, just a tiny bit, the fact of my spending 41 weeks carrying her around in my body and then 40 odd hours of expelling her thusly.

P.R.A.T. [SWIFTLY TURNS ATTENTION BACK TO BABY 1]: “Well I better get off – bye bye now! Can you say bye bye?”

ME: “Say bye bye Baby 1!”

BABY 1: Are you insane, mother? You know I can only say five syllables and ‘bye’ is not one of them!

ME: “Wave bye bye, Baby 1!”

BABY 1: Shan’t. First she calls me Snookums and then she calls me fat. “DUH! Duh Duh Duh, DUH!” This is not babble. This is what I think of you all.

P.R.A.T.: “Ahhh! I think you like me, don’t you sweetheart?”

BABY 1: Actually, madam, I’m trying to defecate.

Me: “Right! Off we go!”